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Life at it's worse....

I've been skipping school.
I'm failing all three classes.
I don't even give a shit, except that I don't want my family to be disappointed.
I feel like I'm going down my mom's path.
She quit school after the 8th grade.
At least I graduated high school, but I don't see myself going to college.
I'm not ready for it.
I'm not mentally prepared for it, and I thought I was.
Everyone says that if I take time off, I will never go back.
I know that's not true.
I want to be successful one day....

I need a job.
My bills are due on Thursday, and I didn't even pay my rent last month.
I don't have any money, I need to ask my grandma.
I should have asked her a while ago, but I think I'm too ashamed to ask.
I guess this is all part of growing up.
Sometimes it's too hard to bare.
I don't go anywhere, so I don't really meet new people.
Maybe I should start....

Sam and I have been hanging out lately.
She's really nice, in a bitchy way. Haha.
No, she's very sweet, and she's funny.
She does make me feel good.
We watch movies and I swear,
if you asked me what happened as soon as they're over,
I wouldn't be able to tell you.
She knows that I can't sleep at night.
She knows that I sleep better when someone is with me.
She takes me to bed and holds me.
She just lets me sleep while she lays there.
She also plays with my hair, and traces my face with her fingertips.
She whispers to me when she thinks I'm asleep.
She watches me like a creeper.
Her heart always beats so fast when she's near me.
I find it soothing.
She says that sometimes, my lips quiver when she kisses me.
They're her favorite kind of kisses.

Nothing else is really going on in my life.
I saw my dad and sister last weekend.
I went to Mia's birthday party.
I can't believe she's 4.
It seems like only yesterday she couldn't even hold her own head up.
Now she's laughing, and talking, and dancing.

I think I'm depressed. I really need to see a doctor.
I know there's something wrong with me.
It's not like me to not give a shit about grades.
I wouldn't even care if my life ended tonight.
I think I only hold on for the people that I love.
I don't think I'm useful for anything.
Just another person paying high taxes.

Attraction                    Proximity
                                        Physical Attraction

Passion                         Liking
Intimacy                     Infatuation
Commitment             Empty Love
                                        Romantic Love
                                        Companionate Love
                                        Fatuous Love
                                        Consuminate Love

There are different levels of attraction, and we feel all three.

Different levels of passion, intimacy, and commitment creates a different kind of love.
Liking being the lowest, and consuminate love being the highest.
I am here to say that I am so lucky to have consuminate love, which is a high dose of all three.
There aren't very many lucky people in this world.

It's easier to end it now than to let it linger.

Jan. 12th, 2009

And now we're starting over again
It's not the easiest thing to do
I'm feeling inside again 
'Cause everytime I look at you 
I know we're starting over again
This time we'll leave all the pain away
Welcome home my lover and friend
'Cause we are starting over, over again
If we never leave alone
Then we might have never known
All the time we spent apart
All we did was break each other's heart
And when I hold you in my arms I promise you
You're gonna feel the love that's beautiful and new
This time i'll love you even better
Than I ever did before
And you'll be in my heart forever more...

I just want to be fought for. If I'm not worth fighting for then your love has died. Live a beautiful life. Goodnight.

Four Years.

And my love is still growing.
You're perfect.
You're beautiful.
You're mine.

I love you.

Happy Anniversary.

I'm so home sick.
Even when I'm home, I feel out of place.
I don't feel like I really belong anywhere.
I didn't make any friends in the last 3 months.
One or two, maybe.  The people I really associated with were older.
Or they're like Aimee and use you for shit.
I should invite Jocelynne over.

I don't party, and I feel like that's all everyone does.
People who don't party are always working, or have kids, or all 3.
I could drive home.  I could use 1/4 of a tank. 
Then spend more money that I don't have on more gas when I get home.
Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather spend money on living than on driving.


Lexi. Just Lexi.

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